Wherein Hast Thou Loved Us?
by Meneldur
Summary: You want me, and risk all your desires for me. But do you love me? Kushiel's Chosen, AU in La Dolorosa. M for mentions of sex and BDSM.


Wherein hast thou loved us?

Author's Note: I feel bad about this fic. Why? Just a feeling I got it completely wrong. I'm almost certain Melisande is really out of character. I only hope it is as reasonable as can be, considering the circumstances. The premise for this story is quite obvious. There are a few quote/paraphrases from the series, mostly from Kushiel's Chosen and Kushiel's Mercy. I reference my previous work, Teach Transgressors Thy Ways when I mention the Lady of Ys. The title, as always, comes from the Bible – specifically, Malachi, I, 2.

Again, I stress that I believe this story is not at all at the level of the rest of my work. I can't help but feel it's confused, awkward, badly-written, badly characterized… the works. My darling cousin and beta jeweledhibiscus tried her best, but I doubt she can do more. The only reason I am posting this is because I feel the need to let out something, and really, this is (I think) the 5th-6th draft of this story, after more than two months. If I haven't gotten it better in all that time, I doubt it will happen soon, so I might as well publish it. I do promise to try my hand at it again if I ever manage to do better.

So please, read, review, and don't be afraid to be critical. I need the truth, and I need to know if this was good, merely average, or a complete disaster.

Lastly, I think the last part is according with this month's theme, because I did intend it to happen on that date, and want it read as an opposite to Melisande and Phedre's first Longest Night.

Happy holidays, and please, tell me what you really think.

/o/^\o\

_"When I was done, I felt at peace for the first time since I had beheld Melisande, and despite the maddening wail of Asherat's grief, despite the cries and howls of the other prisoners riding the night winds, I laid my head down on my pallet and slept soundly."_

I awoke to the light of the sun, coming through my small window, with the cries of gulls accompanying it. For once, I had slept soundly the full night, and was not awake at first light. I knew Melisande would not give me much time, so I comported myself as well as I could, reaffirming my choice.

I expected once again to be given the chance to wash myself, and a clean garment; so it was that I was surprised when the guards arrived. I knew they would come early, but I had thought I would be given more time or mayhap a warning. It did not truly matter, I knew; I had made my choice, and was certain of it. But perhaps it was that I wanted a few more moments of freedom, even if it was only the freedom of my body.

Two guards came in, and the door was closed behind them. I stood before them, proud and strong, for once, certain in my choice, without Melisande to affect me. They did not seem impressed, nor did they waste time with pleasantries. "The Princess asks, what is your choice?"

I looked at them in the eyes, and knew they were loyal to Melisande; they would do her bidding, no matter how they might mourn my beauty trapped here, no matter what I offered them. And I had already made my choice. "I will come with you", I answered, seemingly calm.

They nodded, unsurprised. Upon their knocks, the door opened, and I was led out of the cell. I saw no other people, though I heard the constant noises, until I reached the room where I had met the warden. The warden was there, but he did not look at me. He gave what seemed to be a heavy bundle to one of the guards, and left without a word. The other guard meanwhile bound my hands in front of me, at which I felt a prick of long forgotten pleasure, and covered my sight and hearing with a heavy hood. And so, I left La Dolorosa.

Even today, I know naught of the journey to the palace and my new prison. At the time, I only knew that I was lead off the bridge, to the shore of the island, where we boarded a boat. I could vaguely smell and hear the sounds of La Serenissima around me, for a time; and then there was quiet, and only the sounds of the boat in the water. The boat stopped, and they picked me up, until at last my feet stood again on stone. Then, they led me through silent corridors. I heard a door open, and finally the hood and bonds were removed.

I was in a large, spacious room, though somewhat bare; an antechamber, it seemed. The guards were on one side of me. One put down the bundle he had been given on a nearby table; the other held my arm tightly and explained. "In the adjacent rooms there is a bath awaiting you, and a wardrobe. You are to bathe and dress yourself as you wish. The Princess will eventually call on you, and she expects you to be ready."

I nodded, though I was still unsure; for all that this was my choice, this was never what I wanted. But the guards did not care. They went out the door, and I heard it locked and bolted behind them. Then, nothing.

At first, I considered defying Melisande, and remaining as I was; but that would do no good, I realized. Besides which, I wished for a true bath, with hot water, and actual garments. So I did as I was bid. In an adjacent room, there was indeed a bath, filled with steaming water, as well as a garderobe, and a wardrobe. When I had finally cleansed myself as best as I could, leaving the water cool and dirty, I dressed in the clothes which had been laid out. They were good and finely made, though obviously not meant for court. For all that I knew I was Melisande's prisoner now, I felt better than I had ever in La Dolorosa. With my spirits having risen, I determined to at least acquaint myself with my surroundings, and look for a way out.

I discovered that I was in a small but spacious suite of rooms. There was a bedroom, with a large and comfortable bed, built for more than one. The bathroom and garderobe I had already seen, though now I also discerned the pipes which led water to them, as well as the wardrobe which contained quite a few dresses, most simple (though finely-made), and a few formal ones as well. The antechamber was as I left it, though I now noted the window in the ceiling, which let in sunlight from somewhere above, though not much. The bundle left by the guards turned out to be my dress and jewelry which had been taken from me in La Dolorosa; I stored them properly in my wardrobe and vanity. There was a small sitting room between the antechamber and bedroom, with shelves full of books and comfortable couches to recline on.

I found no methods of escape; the windows were too high, and to solid to break. The pipes leading the water were too small, of course. There were only two locked doors in the house; the one I had come in from, which I knew was locked and bolted; and a second, in the bedroom, which was also locked. I tried opening it with the skills I had learned, and what materials I could find, but to no avail.

Well and so, I thought; I must have patience, and wait for my opportunity. So I settled myself, reading a book chosen at random from the shelves. After some time, the door opened, and a guard came in, carrying a noon-time meal. I devoured it all; hungry as I was after La Dolorosa, it seemed to me to be the best food I had ever tasted. At evening, the same guard brought in another meal, which I also consumed; this time, I tried to see what was beyond the entrance to this dungeon, but was unsuccessful. I had candles and a fire to light the darkness, and I did so, still reading, waiting for Melisande to come; but she never appeared, and at last, weary, I retired to bed.

Thus began the routine of my days; in the morning, I would receive a meal. I would then dress and prepare myself; but nobody came, except the guards who brought my meals. They were always the same four; and though I tried with all the skills I had been taught, both in covertcy and seduction, none showed any reaction. So, all I did was eat, sleep, read and practice those physical exercises taught to me, through which I intended to keep my flexibility and strength, should I have the chance to escape.

After nearly a fortnight of this, Melisande came. I was not truly surprised; it was as part of her attempt to control me that she had me wait, even as she herself waited. There were no words between us, but there was no need for them. She approached me as I sat reading, and I knelt before her. She did not attempt to collar me, though I knew she had the diamond which had been my leash; she simply walked towards the bedroom, and I followed. She opened the locked door with a key that was tied around her neck; as I suspected, it was a fully equipped pleasure chamber, with all the tools of the flagellary, and other, more conventional methods of pleasure, such as oils, unguents, aides d'amour. That night was exquisite; and when I had at last collapsed, consumed by pleasure and pain, she carried me to my bed, and left.

So it went, for (by my count) some two months. She did not come every night, nor were her comings any sort of set schedule. Indeed, she visited me less than I expected, and rarely stayed the night. It may surprise some to learn that she did not use the tools of pain every night either; but such was her skill, that she knew the torment the lack of pain caused me, and the pleasure I found in it. Melisande had always known how to pluck on my every string. Pain and pleasure, yes, of course, but there are others, too. Cruelty, humiliation, dominance ... and compassion and kindness. It takes all of these, to make truly exquisite music. That was the part so few understood. But Melisande knew it. And she knew that the lack of some made their use all the more enjoyable when it finally arrived.

Affection.

It was my bane with Melisande, always the potential key to my undoing. The sword cut both ways, I knew. But she risked little, though even that was a great deal for her. Meanwhile, I risked losing myself in her.

I had already come to this conclusion in La Dolorosa, when I choose Melisande's prison over staying; but it took me these two months to realize what I must do with this knowledge.

I was resolved; when next Melisande would come to visit me, I would demand to know: did she truly love me? And if so, what would she do to prove it?

/o/^\o\

I decided to confront Melisande in the library. Anywhere in these rooms, indeed, in the world, she would have the advantage over me. But I felt I could draw strength from the books, my constant companions, and the knowledge I possessed through them.

When she came in, I was immediately seized by doubt. She was perfection personified. How could I ever succeed in overcoming perfection? Indeed, how could I even begin to think I could defy it? But then she passed near a lamp, and the light thrown on her face revealed what I had long suspected. There were shadows under her eyes. Barely noticeable, but there. She had been tired these past few months. A tiny flaw, but there it was: an imperfection. I could do this.

She greeted me with a kiss, expecting me to melt into it as I always did. Elua, how I wanted to! But I knew I had to resist, for the sake of Terre d'Ange, and more importantly myself. As she broke the kiss, pulling back, I saw the quizzical and amused look in her eyes. "What is this, Phedre?" she purred, and I shivered, my resolve tested once more. "Resistance? Defiance, after so long together?"

I nodded, not trusting my tongue. She laughed softly. "Why? What do you think you can gain from this?" Her eyes narrowed in amusement and challenge. "Do you truly think your resolve will last?"

I shook my head, finally letting voice to my thoughts. "No. But that is not my purpose. I want to know why you saved me."

She shook her head, no longer as amused. "I have told you already, Phedre."

"So you said", I answered, gathering my courage, "but I have no proof. Tell me true, Melisande: do you love me?"

All levity drained from her, and suddenly, I saw an emotion I had never seen on her before: weariness. "Phedre… you ask so much of me. So much! And yet you know I will give it. Sometimes I wonder which of us serves the other…" she trailed off, deep in thought. Eventually she looked up at me, and smiled, but there was no mirth in it. "Had you only asked that question months ago, I would have no doubts… but I will not lie to you. Much as I know you, you know me. Come." With that, she grabbed my hand, and pulled me from the room. I followed, still stunned. Had I succeeded? Was Melisande setting me free?

As we walked through the hallways, I remained in a daze. I was reminded of the Longest Night – though I knew I should pay attention, I could not think of anything but Melisande and what she had said. I noted only that we must have come above ground eventually, that we were followed by several guards, and that when we finally entered a room, the guards remained outside after the door closed and was locked.

When I finally regained my senses, I was surprised to realize we were in what must be a nursery. Melisande was on the other side of the room, near a door, where a cradle was. She was holding a baby; I realized this must be her son. She turned to me, and my throat caught; I had never seen such a perfect child. He could cast the same spell Melisande cast on people, but there was no intention in it; it was innocence, purity, and once again, perfection.

Melisande's face was radiant, even as I saw doubt in her eyes. "His name is Imriel", she simply said, and waited for my reaction.

"Why?" I asked, and it was not only one question.

Melisande knew; she had always known. "'The Eloquence of God'. Because when I held him in my arms for the first time, I understood what Elua meant when he commanded us, 'Love as thou wilt'." I shook my head, not understanding.

"Phedre", she said, and I realized she was pleading, "I have always adhered to the precept of Blessed Elua in my own way. I had three loves in my life: power, and playing the game of thrones. And in you", she sighed, "in you they both came to life. You gave me power over you, simply by what you are; and playing with you is to play the game of thrones with the gods. How could I not love you? So, I took you from La Dolorosa. I brought you here. I risked my power and my position in the game, all for you."

I nodded, still speechless, but beginning to comprehend. "But…" she continued, no longer pleading, her eyes shining fiercely, "Until he was born, I didn't know what it truly was to love another living soul. Beyond thought, beyond reason. I love him, as I have not loved anything else. I will give anything: my power, my life, my soul; for him. I am tired because I will not suffer the nursemaids to handle him; the door behind me leads to my chambers. He sleeps there with me at night, and keeps me awake. He is my son; not a pawn in my game, but my love, the only one I truly have." She paused, her breathing somewhat disturbed; though most would not have noticed it, I was trained to see such things. When she spoke again, her voice was soft, almost awed. "I thought, for once, that the gods were speaking clearly to me."

I was still stunned by all these revelations; but I had regained my tongue, and had to ask. "Well and so, my lady; but what would you have of me?"

Melisande laughed; and there was so much emotion in it! Pleasure and pain and cruelty and compassion and joy, but above all, love. "I would have it all, Phedre. I would have it all." And as she approached me, holding Imriel in her arms gently, I finally understood. "Will you stay with me, Phedre?" she asked. "Will you raise my son with me, and unite my loves, and show us the way to Elua's precept?"

I looked in her eyes, and I could not deny her. I do not say this lightly; I thought of all the others who loved me, and would mourn for me: Joscelin and Ysandre and Cecilie and Thelesis and more; and I also remembered all those I had loved, and were gone now, and much of it was Melisande's fault: my master Anafiel, and my brother Alcuin, Remy and Fortun, Eamonn, and many more, and my true friend Hyacinthe, still trapped in the Straits. But Melisande's need was greater, and it was true; and Imriel would need me too. And in the end, in truth, I could not deny it: though Melisande needed and wanted me, no less did I need and want her. So at last, I whispered the only answer I could give: "Yes". And we held Imriel in an embrace between us as we joined once more in an eternal kiss.

/o/^\o\

From then on, I had more freedom. Melisande would still not trust me fully, obviously; she knew not how to trust, and life had taught her to be cautious. But she moved me to a chamber upstairs, near hers, and we cared for Imriel together, when not occupied by other nightly joys; and though doors were locked and there were guards all around, little by little she relented, knowing I would not leave her. She tried once; there was a night when she tormented me with all manner of promises; killing Joscelin, and conquering Terre d'Ange, and making Ysandre her slave. And at last, she begged of me, though I do not think she realized it: "Hate me, Phèdre." Her eyes shone with cruelty and pride, and I knew that only I could see the despair and sadness behind them, and only I could hear the hope as she offered me this challenge. "Hate me, and I'll set you free."

My body was broken from the cruelties she had inflicted, and my will from the pleasure she had denied me; but it was my spirit that almost shattered when I saw her thus, realizing the truth that was behind the glory that was Melisande Shahrizai. And I swore by Elua and Kushiel that I would never hate her, as long as she loved me.

I think it was then that she truly began to trust me. She allowed me even more freedom; the doors were open, and the guards were lessened. She told me of her past, and I learned of her charming but cruel father, her childhood, her family, her marriages and friendship. Moreover, she began to tell me of the world outside the Little Court. And so I learned that Ysandre had halted the _progressus_ and left for Terre d'Ange, and that Melisande suspected Joscelin or Philippe had managed to warn her. That Melisande had broken Benedicte's alliance with Marco and Marie-Celeste Stregazza; she had revealed the truth to the Doge about their conspiracy to dethrone him, and he had had them arrested, and now owed her his position. Melisande laughed when I asked her why she had done so. "If they would betray the gods and their family, how could I ever trust them?" And in her eyes, I understood what she meant; she trusted me.

So passed over two months; and at last, the Longest Night came. I did not think we would celebrate beyond a feast, for Imriel had been restless these past nights, and we were both tired; but after the feast, when I had retired to my room, I found a costume spread on my bed. I picked it up, and gasped in shock; it was none other than the dress Melisande wore at the Longest Night, when she had first had me; the costume of the Lady of Ys. I could not ignore such a request; so I dressed myself in it, wondering once again at Melisande's desire, and repaired to the nursery, where I knew I would find her. When I arrived, I understood at once; for Melisande was dressed in robes of crimson, bronze and black, held a rod and flail at her belt, and wore a great bronze mask. And so I knelt at her feet, until she raised me up, and sat me beside her, gesturing for me to partake of the treats and wine; and thus she told me the secret lore of House Shahrizai, and how it rose, and the blessing given to it by Kushiel. And though Imriel was yet a baby, and could not have possibly understood, he was silent, and seemed to listen; and I knew this was a moment of family, such as Melisande had never shared before.

So we celebrated, and at last, we put Imriel to bed, and went to a small ballroom. We danced to the music of a harpist, and watched as actors Melisande had commissioned played the parts of Winter Queen and Sun Prince. And at last, long after midnight, we retired to Melisande's chambers, walking softly so as not to wake Imriel.

It was there, as we sat in her couch, that Melisande finally spoke of serious matters. "I have long been considering our situation in regards to Terre d'Ange, Phedre", she began quietly, and I nodded; I had done the same. "I have come to a decision. I will not have Imriel grow bereft of his heritage and land. I may be under the death sentence, but my husband is not yet formally adjudged traitor. I am in a position of strength; I hold all the cards. The Doge owes me his position, and the Temple of Asherat supports me, for it was I who revealed Marco's plan and the corruption of the Elect. My husband is still – officially, at the least – Ysandre's heir, and my son is heir apparent. Ysandre cannot yet move against me, and my knife is still at her throat – both the Cassiline traitor and Percy."

"What do you propose then, my Princess?" I asked, knowing she had a plan.

"I will bargain with Ysandre", she replied steadily. "As long as I live, as long as my husband and son are her heirs, and as long as the traitors in Terre d'Ange remain unknown, she will never be able to sit peacefully on her throne. I think it would actually be quite advantageous; in exchange for giving her the traitors, I will my sentence lifted, my estates restored, and my son declared heir."

It seemed to be there were many flaws in this plan and I pointed them out. "It cannot be that simple, my lady. Ysandre does not trust you. And she will almost certainly have children of her own – she will not give up their birthright."

Melisande smiled complacently. "My dear Phedre, the game of thrones is a long one, in which much patience is required; today, Ysandre will refuse my offer. But she cannot sit in uncertainty forever. And her children… well, if they come, they will be half-Cruithne. And I promise you, Phedre, there will be many nobles not pleased with that. Time is to my advantage; the more Ysandre waits, the more tenuous her position becomes, and the more supporters turn to the pure-blood Courcel – our dearest Imriel. As for trust", she shrugged, "I have you. What else do I need?"

I smiled happily, not fooled by her seemingly casual words. "Thank you." I whispered, embracing her.

She laughed at me. "Phedre, do not be foolish. It as not as though I am doing this for you; nor am I giving up any of my power. And I am certainly not relinquishing my claim to you."

Later, I would realize she was surprised; but at the time, I did not notice. I knew her as no one else did; I do not think I flatter myself when I say I was the only one who would recognize her devotion, her love, her desire for me in those dismissive words. I knew there was yet much to teach her about love; and so, for perhaps the first time between us, I intiated our contact. And I kissed her full on the lips, and sent my tongue darting between our teeth. In her indrawn breath, I felt her desire and affection; and most of all, I knew that as much as I was (and always would be) hers, no less was she mine.

As dawn came, we had finally finished, both of us sated and happy. And as we returned to her room, and lay down in her bed, Imriel between us, I knew it was more than that. We were content, but most of all, we were finally complete.


End file.
